Jokes

A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later he gets a call from the lab
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patent's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So What anm I suppose to do now?
Doctor: Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

**A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. 
 
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
Database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam. 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!!"

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says,
"I had 12 pints of it last night   and when I came round I was f*** ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog."

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're
drunk. Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow  
and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks  
and fan shaped tails.  
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.

Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"  
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since her first beating with it.

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde girl eating a banana you think  
of a porn film, but when you see a black woman eating a banana you  
think of the Discovery Channel?  

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .  
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?  
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?  
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs
including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind  
the Job Centre in Liverpool .  
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no  
idea they had a job centre!

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and
some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

A man walks into a Welsh pub  and orders a white wine spritzer.The bar
goes silent as everyone stares at  him..."Where are you from? You sound
English", "I'm from across the Severn,"  replies the man nervously."What do
you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a  taxidermist". "What on earth is one
of those?", "I mount animals. ."Its  alright boys," shouts the barman "he's
one of us".

I've just had a letter back  from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and  she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.I said  "You're pulling my leg"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says  how
do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f**k that"  says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"?

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do
was eat, drink and be Mary.

The Grim Reaper came for me  last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. F**k me, talk about  Dyson with death.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept
thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection........but she did!

For his birthday, little Preston asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £250,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Preston heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Preston told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.  And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £250,000 mortgage and no Fucking bike!  

Man goes to the doctor and says 'I've been shagging the wife for 10 years now and shes getting a bit loose, can you suggest anything to tighten he up a bit? Doctor replies 'Well it's a bit of a taboo subject, but have you tried the other hole?' The man replies 'What? and risk getting her pregnant?'

A nun went to the doctor as she was feeling sick. He told her he had good news, she was pregnant!
She was totally dombfounded and annoyed. Next day she stormed into the monastary common room and shouted, "Right!, which one of you dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?!

Why has'nt a woman walked on the moon?
Because it never needed cleaning.

How do you stop your girlfriend from giving you a blow job?
Marry her!

What parlyses a woman from the waist down?
Marriage!

Whats long, hard and fucks a woman?
An IQ test.

Breaking News: Police have just discovered a bomb outside a mosque. They have reported not to worry, as they have just managed to push it inside!

Q:  What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? 
A:  black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

A family was driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. Embarrassed and to spare her young sons innocence, she says:
‘Don’t worry, that was only a fly’. To which her son replies ‘Bleedin hell, I’m surprised it can get off the ground wiv a cock as big as that’!

Man gets home, tells wife:
‘Get me a beer before it starts’
He drinks it then says:
‘Quick get me another beer before it starts’
Again she gets it, he drinks it and says:
‘Another before it starts’
She says ‘Listen here you lazy fat git, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders ….’
He says ‘Fuck me, it’s STARTED’!

In a recent survey into Blow Jobs and why men like them so much, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just liked the silence!

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. 
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says
'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

So, what do you call 12 Pakie's in the back of a Land Rover? A fucking good days shooting!

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Lady asks, "What are you?". He replies, "A fireman, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!". 

Husband and wife shopping in a supermarket. Husband puts 10 cans of Stella in the trolley. Wife takes them out saying "They cost £10, they're too expensive!". Further down the store she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the trolley. He says, "Hold on a minute! That's expensive". She replies, But it makes me look beautiful". He quickly replies, "So does 10 cans of Stella, but at half the fucking price!".

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthdays.
The rich guy says 'I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring, that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in the BMW and still be happy'.
The poor mans says 'I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo, that way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!'.

Definition of TRUE bravery:
Coming home pissed, covered in lip stick, smelling of perfume, then slapping the wife on the arse and saying .......
"You're next fatty!"

Homeowners are being warned about three keys that can open 73% of doors, 84% of cars and 92% of padlocks ......
They are: dar-keys, pak-keys and pie-keys.

Five secrets of a perfect relationship:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4.  It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and like being with you.
5. It's absolutly vital that these four women don't know each other!

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom
are crying and screaming.  Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the
happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the
Superiority of gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when
we pull the thermometer out of his ass!'

It was this young lads 19th birthday and all his mates down the pub, knowing he was a virgin, had clubbed together to fix him up with a sympathetic prostitute.
They took him round and pushed him in. The prostitute was very calming and began to gain his confidence, so she said she would start him on the 69. She got him undressed and on his back, whereupon she then began to climb on top. At that moment she farted and exclaimed 'I'm so sorry, this have never happened before, please forgive me'.
After about ten minutes she let rip again! 'Oh, I'm so sorry, I have no idea why I'm doing it, please forgive me'.
Twenty minutes goes by, and she lets off an almighty ROAR of a fart!
'That's it'! Cried the lad, and gets up. 'I just can't take another 66 of those'!

Management

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.
"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."
"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."
"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of  Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

West Midlands police are looking for  a 'racist attacker'. I phoned the information line, but apparently its not a job advertisment!

Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women.
Unfortunatly 95% of them spat it out!

Bloke goes into a porn shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
Shopkeeper says 'Male or female'? Bloke replies 'Female'.
'Black or white', asks the shopkeeper. Bloke replies, 'white'.
Shopkeeper says 'Christian or Muslim'? Bloke irritated replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it'?
Shopkeeper replies, 'The muslim blows it self up'!

Cop on horseback says to little girl on a bike. 'Did Santa get you that bike'? 'Yep', replies the girl.
Well tell him to put a reflector on it next year' and fines her $5. The little girl  looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got there, did Santa bring you that'? The cop chuckles and replies, 'He sure did'.
'Well' said the little girl, next year tell Santa, the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it'! 

Little billy asks his dad for a TV in his bedroom . His dad reluctanlty agrees. Next day Bily comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, wats love juice'? Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazment. Dad says, ' So what were you watching'? Biully repies, 'Wimbledon'!

Woman goes into DIY store and buys a wall mirror.
Assistant asks, 'Do you want a screw for that'? Woman replies 'No, but I'll suck your cock for a lawnmower'.

Woman are just like orange juce cartons. It's not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is.
It's getting those fucking flaps open!

A jewish wife phones her mum. Mum, she complains, my husband wants anal sex all the time and it hurts. My arse hole used to be the size of a 5p, now its the size of a 50p. I'm thinking of leaving him!
Mum says, look, you have a loverly car, loverly house, two great kids, don't throw it all away  for 45p! 

Why did Terry's bring out the white chocolate orange?
So that black kids can have a dirty face at Easter too.

HOME Girls

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told,
he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night,
she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the
darkness.

     He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.  "My
darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
anyting  you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

     A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly
for her request). She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
someting I have  heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
      More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her...
    "You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Why did God invent orgasms for women?
So they can still have a fucking moan even when they are enjoying themselves!

And some for Christmas 2006 ……

                                    

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. 

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. 

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied," No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted Guido falls onto his back gasping.  Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." !!!!

Some things to ponder:

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

HOME Girls

Black man goes into the docs and says he just can’t stop jogging. The doc put two lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them.
He does and immediately stops still. ‘Fuck me, is that cocaine?’ he says. ‘No’ replies the doc, ‘it’s Persil, guaranteed to stop coloureds from running’.

Paddy’s wife wearing a pair of crotch less panties. She spreads her legs and says ‘Do you want a lick of this?’ Paddy says, ‘Fuck no!, look what it’s done to your knickers!’

A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has a humongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my arse can handle another bun right now".

Four people on a train. An old lady, a fit blonde, a black man and a white man.
They go into a dark tunnel and hear a slap! When they next exit the tunnel the black man is rubbing his face.
The old lady thinks ‘I bet he tried touching the blonde and got a slap’.
The blonde thinks ‘I bet he tried touching me and got the old lady instead’.
The white man thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that black cunt again’.

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has broken his leg. Paddy says ‘Me feet are freez’in mate, could you nip upstairs and get my slippers?’
’No bother’ he says and runs upstairs. There are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on there beds. ‘Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both’
’Fuck off ya liar’, they said. ‘I’ll prove it ‘, say Murphy. So he shouts down the stairs, ‘Both of them Paddy?’
’of course, what’s the use of fucking one?’.

Man sitting on a train across from a blond in a mini skirt. He can’t stop staring as soon as he realises she going commando.
’Are you looking at my fanny?’, she asks. ‘Yes, I’m sorry’, says the man. ‘It’s OK’, she says, ‘it’s very talented. Watch this, I can make it blow you a kiss and wink at you’.
He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him.
’Come and sit next to me, would you like to stick two fingers in?’
’Fucking Hell!!’, he says, ‘can it whistle as well?’

Priest sat next to Paddy on a flight. Paddy orders a large brandy. The flight attendant asks the priest if he would like one.
He replied in disgust. ‘I’d rather be raped by twelve whores than let liquor pass my lips’.
Paddy hands his drink back and says ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Asda with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.
The Asda Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda.... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming at the kids long enough to say, "No they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you pillock?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

 

What’s the difference between a Muslin and ET?

ET looked better, smelt better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own bike and WANTED TO GO HOME!

Driving to the office this morning on the M4, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me(I'm a man ) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!

F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!

A Muslim woman knocked on my door last night, I never opened the door, I just talked through the letterbox to see how she likes it!

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night. So she decided to tell her new husband that she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said “just how far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was cought?”!

HOME Girls

ENGLISH OF TOMORROW EU ANNOUNCEMENT

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

  "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of    chardonnay."

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,

"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too

many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more

butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're

going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!    I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER

listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A   three -year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mummmy", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlour, one is biting her ice lolly, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the lolly."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

HOME Girls

Arnold Palmers divorced wife re marries. In the honeymoon suite on the first night after passionate lovemaking her new husband reaches for the phone.
”What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m calling room service for some champagne”.    “Arnie would do it again” she replied. Where upon they made love again.
Shortly after they finished, he reached for the phone again. She asked, “What are you doing?” “I’m going to call Arnie”. “Why are you calling Arnie?” “Well I need to know what the par is for this hole”.

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Have you noticed how women use the car every day and never wash it?
And how they wash their pussy every day but never fucking use it!

Got some bad news mate. I’ve caught that Bird Flu! I know its Bird Flu because I’ve
started talking bollocks, wearing make up and can’t park the fucking car!

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending
on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when she is ovulating she will
prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers
a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump
jammed up his arse!

Camilla says to the Queen, “Every time I suck Charles’ cock I get a terrible heartburn”.
The Queen replies, “Have you tried Andrews’?”.

Scientists have now mixed Viagra with Prozac. So, if you don’t get a fuck,
you don’t give a fuck!

Fred and Mary use a code for sex. The code is ‘washing machine’.
That night in bed, Fred whispers to Mary ‘washing machine’.
Mary says, “Not tonight dear, I’m too tired”. Ten minutes later, she
feels guilty and whispers in his ear, “washing machine”.
”Too late”, says Fred, “It was only a small load so I did it by hand”!

HOME Girls

An in depth study has shown that the bird flu virus hits small cocks first.
Thought I’d warn you immediately!

Nun gets on a train, skinhead in front of her is eating a bag of prawns.
He starts spitting the heads at her. She throws them out the window and pulls the
emergency cord. Skinhead says, “You’ll get fined £50 for that you stupid slut”.
Num replies, “When I cry rape and they smell your fingers you’ll get 10 years”.

Farmer buys a milking machine and tries it on his PENIS and has a great orgasm but can’t remove it.
He reads the manual and faints! It says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES!

Police have caught a man in Leeds throwing petrol bombs at Muslims.
When asked what he was doing, he replied, “About 20 to the gallon”!

Michael Jacson found not guilty of molestation charges.
His lawyer is now trying to get Stevie Wonder a driving licence!

Paddy buys a bath and takes it back next day complaining water keeps running out.
Manager says, “Did you buy a plug”? Paddy replies, “You eediot you never said it was electric”!

Scientists have successfully mated an Octopus and a Paki.
Its still an ugly smelly bastard, but fuck me, it can stack shelves!

 

He laid her on the table, so white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck then felt her breast, then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms and then …..
He stuffed the turkey! May I be the first to wish you a very Merry Christmas?

Husband says, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. Tonight I’m going to ware the gold one.”
Wife replies, “Why don’t you ware the silver one and cum second for a change?”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa

found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about

using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very

strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before

we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma".

HOME Girls

Too much information:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squi rt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. < SPAN lang=EN-US style="FONT-SIZE: 8.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma">
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bear s are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

 

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says

to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell.
I suppose I'd better see a doctor!" "Listen,

don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's

a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the

computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It

takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and

better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.

He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new

technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would

happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the

results. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself,

your elbow will never get better..

Thank you for shopping at Tesco. 

HOME Girls

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM	CAUSE	CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass Being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper Bladder Control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	a. Glass empty.   b. You're holding a Coors Lite	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	a. Mouth not open   b. Glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender.  If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.  Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear	It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up	Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup	You're in the ladies' room	Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in	You've wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.  Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk	a. You're in jail   b. You're in the navy	Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.  Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps	You're in a gay bar	Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit.  Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar

She was in the kitchen boiling eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love
to me this very moment."
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over
the kitchen table and they make love.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

Fred had worked at the salad packing factory for many years when one day he came home unexpectedly early.
"Why are you home so early?" asked his wife.
"I've been sacked" he replied.
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the vibrations in the factory, but I got this sudden urge to put my pecker in the cucumber slicer."
"Oh my God!" said Mrs Fred, "what on earth happened to you" and she swiftly removed his trousers to inspect the damage.
Fred was completely unscathed. Fred's wife was baffled by now, "What happened to the cucumber slicer?" she enquired.
"She got sacked as well"

HOME Girls

Cardiff Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet determined the problem - the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.   

 While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.
Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the zoo administrators   

 thought they might have a solution. Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a shag with the gorilla for £500? Gareth showed some   

 interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her"
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this"
The zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, and then they asked what his third condition was.
"Well," said Gareth   ............... could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid?"

 

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have
any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts
of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

BRISTOL GIRLS:

   

A Bristol girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Bristol girl

"10?!" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Bristol girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the gurt street I just haves to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY!", or
"WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW!, and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker. "Oh, that's easy," says the Bristol girl... "I just uses
their surnames"

A Bristol girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No me babs" she replies.
"This time it's mayonnaise."

A Bristol Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll takes the gurt red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher madam."

A Bristol girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: " 'artcliffe, mate."

A Bristol girl was driving down the M32 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her,

"Alright ar Sharon? I just heard on the news that there's a car goings the wrong way on the M32 mind. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Bristol girl, "There's gurt hundreds of them!"

Another Bristol girl was involved in a serious crash; There's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm f***ing paralysed from the waist down!"

A Bristol girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Bristol girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "yer, scuse I mate, I aint being gurt funny or nuffink, but why
dooz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva gurt one's got an R on
it?" So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well,oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me
roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Leftfoot" "Blimey",exclaims the
Bristol girl, "So THATS why my gurt knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

HOME Girls

 

THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a

little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly    intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto

your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,

I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on
almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause
I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal,

he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,
but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"

reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked Paddy.
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you
ask me if I was Jewish ? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you
ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me
if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I
was Danish? "Well, I probably wouldn't!"
So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right
then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for
Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Why? Because you're in F*cking Homebase."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day", he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.
"No sh*t?"says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
"Keep going!".
"I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! the frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
"I looked at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.!" She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked "What is your second wish?"
"What next?" asked the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream"
She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine.
Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, "You know you have 1 more wish, what will it be?"    I looked at her and replied "How about a little head?"

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care   of   themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister.
You    can   never   be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear   NO   shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this
one   is just   too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a   bolt.   Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £3000. Tux
rental-£100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to   them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.   One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about   tanks.
A  five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own   jars.   You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone
forgets   to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.   Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more   than   enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable   to   see   wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original   color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to  s have
your face and neck.   You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your
nails   with   a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.   You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

HOME Girls

 

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in,
he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took
the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted
out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said
"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United
States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have
also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet.....
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

While I was driving down the M4 recently, (once again, going a little faster than perhaps is prudent) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

 

Boy and the Train
 
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train
in the living room. She heard the train stop and her
son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the
hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you
bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train,
'cause we're going down the tracks."  
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want
you to go to your room and you are to stay there for
two hours. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
 
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today." Just as the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed
off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in
the kitchen."

 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks
that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
"I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I
wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo
& behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time
passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring
& lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close
to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn.
He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his
tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a
cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's
much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see
his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still
distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became
a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he
set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories
came flooding back. He banged on the door &
shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...." 

HOME Girls

 

Subject: Oil levels  

 

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil  
shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple  
answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't  
know we were getting low.  
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our oil is located in the North Sea.
Our dipsticks are located in Westminster.

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam. The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The Doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, Doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour!!"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

DANGEROUS:	SAFER:	SAFEST:	ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like to go for dinner?	Here, have some chocolate.
Are you wearing that?	Wow, you sure look good in brown!	WOW!  Look at you!	Here, have some chocolate
What are you so worked up about?	Could we be overreacting?	Here's my paycheck.	Here, have some chocolate.
Should you be eating that?	You know, there are a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a glass of wine with that?	Here, have some chocolate.
What did you DO all day?	I hope you didn't over-do it today.	I've always loved you in that robe!	Here, have some more chocolate.

 

 

 

 

SLIGHT TWIST FROM IRELAND

 

Subject: Scotland supporter

 

English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says

to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I

would like this for my birthday."

His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and

says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds

his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland

supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and

says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would

like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says:

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards

home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned

something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and I

already hate you English

 

A fireman outside the fire station noticed a little girl next door playing with a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. She was wearing a fireman's helmet and had the cart tied to a dog and a cat. "That's a lovely fire engine," said the fireman. "Thank you," said the little girl. The fireman took a closer look and noticed a string tied to the dog's collar and another to the cat's testicles. "Hey little fire fighter," said the fireman, "You could make your fire engine go a lot faster, if you were to tie that string around the cat's collar." She looked thoughtfully at her invention and said "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a bloody siren, would I?"

 

A woman walked in unannounced at her recently married son's house. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying naked on the couch. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home" the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "No I'm not, this is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress, but you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me like this, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end." When the mother-in-law got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband. Finally he came home, walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" - His funeral will be held Thursday.

 

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland, the class swot, says, "I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Sweet little Katie says, "My grandma says there's a contagious bug going round." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

 

A New York 'partners store' has just opened where women may go to choose a husband. The entrance sign describes how the store operates.

1.You may visit this partners store only once!
2.The attributes of the husbands increase as you ascend each floor.
3.Having ascended to a higher floor you cannot return to a floor except to exit.

There are further signs on the entrance doors to each floor as follows:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely handsome.
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely handsome and help with the housework.
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely handsome, help with the housework, and are very romantic.
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012. There are no men here. This top floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

A New 'partners store' has opened for men to choose wives, their entrance sign has similar instructions, the floor signs are as follows:

Floor 1 - These women are very beautiful
Floor 2 - These women are very beautiful and love sex.
Floor 3 -These women are very beautiful, love sex and have money.
Floor 4- through to 6- have never been visited.
Proving that men are more easily pleased then women.

 

A male patient lay in the hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask, still heavily sedated after an exploratory operation. A young nurse arrived to give him a bed bath. "Nurse," he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the she replied, "I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggled to ask her again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may damage himself from worry, she sheepishly pulled back the covers, raised his gown gently holding his penis and testicles whilst lifting and moving them around. Having taken a close look she said, "There's nothing wrong with them." The patient took off his mask, smiled and said very slowly,
"Thank you very much, that was wonderful, but, listen very closely... 'Are - my - test - Results - Back?"

 

He died and found himself in hell. He was wallowing in despair as he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" He responded, "What do you think, I'm in hell!" "It's not such a bad place," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun, are you a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays. Mondays all we do is drink, Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, Wine. You name it we drink it till we throw up and then we drink some more!" Astounded he said. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" coughed the man. "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! No problem with cancer, you're already dead." "Wow," the guy enthused, "That's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Poker, Dice, Blackjack, Roulette, Horseracing, whatever's your pleasure. And what if you go bankrupt, you're dead anyhow! You into drugs?" "Are you kidding?" replied the man, "I love drugs, I'm here through an overdose!" "Well Thursday is demon drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, so who cares!" "Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" Insulted, the man snapped back "Certainly not!" "Ooooh," said the demon with a smile on his face "you're gonna hate Fridays!"

HOME Girls

 

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.

With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

 

Dear Mum and Dad, it is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.

Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement.

Apparently I can earn a scene. I get a bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself.

Some day I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

 

Your loving daughter,    

 

Aimee

 

ps: Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON PENALTIES AGAIN,.

I love you.

 

 

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

 

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

 

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

THE END... except...

 

 

THE BRITISH VERSION:

 

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

 

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

 

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

 

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

 

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

 

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new    home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

 

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and started a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

 

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.

 

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

 

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

 

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the    obvious, is set up.

 

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticized by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

 

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

 

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

 

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

HOME Girls    

 

THE END... (and it may well be the begining of just that....!)

 

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has

Reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember,

You still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. Here's your

question: What type of animal lives in a Set?"

 

"Is it.

a, a badger

b, a ferret

c, a mole

or d, a cuckoo?"

 

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too

sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

 

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're

left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris,

I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win ?1

million.

The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives

in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

 

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation..

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won ?1 million!"
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was

brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a

call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a

badger lives in a set?"

 

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........
"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

 

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a

Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch

American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...... Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house

faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the

way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy

people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large

fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the

pens to the counters.

Only in Britain .... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on

the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and

then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we

didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a

skating rink.

 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big

problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,

he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said,

"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The

problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with
a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered
with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted
by anything involving the human body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the butt of the dead body and Sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at them and told them -

"The second most important quality is "Observation'". "I stuck my middle

finger in, and sucked on my index finger." "Now learn to pay attention."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you”.

Husband was making love to his wife and suddenly asked, “You never tell me when you orgasm”.
She replied, “Well, you’re never here”!

Dawn French has been arrested for possession of hard drugs.
She went through customs with no knickers on, fell over and exposed
40lbs of crack!

Bloke married a def girl and says we need a code for sex.
”I’ll squeeze your left tit if I want it, you pull my cock once for yes
or 253 times for no”.

Christiano Ronaldo walked into the doctor and said every time he looked into
the mirror he got sexually aroused. The doctor said “Of course, you’re a cunt!”

A penis says to his balls “Rite lads, get ready and I’ll take you to a party”.
The balls replied “You fucking liar, you always go inside and leave us
outside knocking”.

Saddam Hussein found guilty! Sentenced to be shot. Last request is to name
his own firing squad. He choose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.

Two dyslexics in a car. One said can you smell petrol? Other replied, don’t be an idiot
I can’t even smell my own name!!!

In an interview about his failed marriage, Paul was asked if he would ever go down on
one knee again. He replied, “I’d prefer it if you called her Heather”.

Blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify wood by smell. They
tested him on different types and he guessed correctly every time. To catch him out they
paid the secretary to very quietly lay on the table with her legs wide apart for the blind man
to sniff her. He was having a job to decided and requested if the wood could be turned over.
The secretary very quietly turned over on all fours and held her cheeks apart for the blind
man to sniff. By this time the workers began starting to jibe at the blind man, when all of a
sudden he exclaimed “You can’t fool me! It’s a shit house door made of kipper boxes!

A woman was in a coma for several months, when one day the nurses noticed a slight
response while washing her fanny. They rushed to her husband and explained, suggesting
a little oral sex might bring her round, to which he agreed.
A few minutes later her monitor flat lined! No pulse or heart rate. The nurses rushed in.
“What happened?”, they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure, she may have choked!”

HOME Girls

A tramp walks into a jewellers and casually begins to finger his own arse. Jeweller screams,
“GET OUT!” Tramp points to sign “Come in & pick your ring in comfort”.

Rev John Flapps sees a lady church member getting drunk in the pub. He tries to take her
home but they fall in the bar and he lands on top of her. The landlord says, “Oi mate, you
can’t do that in here”. The Rev replies, “You don’t understand, I’m Pastor Flapps”.
Landlord says, “Well if your that far in you may as well finish!”

Granny and granddad are sitting at the breakfast table. Granny says, “Do you know, my
nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago?” Granddad replies, “Of course
they fucking are, ones in your coffee and the others in your porridge!”

Nowadays 80% of women have decided against marriage. They have realised, that for 4oz
of sausage it’s not worth marring the whole fucking pig!

Man pinches is wife’s arse and says, “If you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle”. Later,
in bed, he squeezed her boobs and said, “If you firm these up you could get rid of your bra”.
She grabbed his dick and said, “If you firm this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milkman
and your fucking brother!”

Jock McTavish was up in court for buggering his cat. The case was dismissed coz the judge refused
to believe a Scotsman would put anything into a fucking kitty!

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. But tragically he was born without ears. Johnny and his mum
went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not mention his not having ears    or he would get a
spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said, “What a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands and skin. How’s
his eyesight? He casually inquired. The babies mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied, “That’s great
coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses!”

Judge says to prostitute, “So when did you realise you were raped?”. Prostitute replies, “When the
fucking cheque bounced!”

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph
a woman with her mouth shut!

Worlds shortest fairytale. Once upon a time a man asked a woman, “Will you marry me?” The woman
replied, “No” and the man liver happy ever after and went golfing, fishing, drinking and shagging and
still had money in his pocket at the end of every week!

Man goes to doctor after being raped by an elephant. Doctor says, “Funny your arsehole is 10” wide and
and elephants cock is only 3” wide”. Man replies, “Yes, but the bastard fingered me first!”

Big bad wolf said to little red riding hood, “Unbutton your top and let me suck your tits”.
”Fuck off” she said, pulling down her pants, “Eat me like the book says!”

Met a girl the other day who has    a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh. It’s amazing, if you put
your ear to it, you can smell the sea!

What’s the difference between walking a 800ft high tightrope or getting a blowjob off an 80 year old
woman? …….. Either way, it fucking pays not to look down!

A new vibrator just out for women is so realistic, that just before she reaches her climax, it cums, coughs,
farts, goes limp and then switches itself off!

Was just reading this article on heavy drinking, scared the fucking shit out of me. So that’s it, after tonight,
no more fucking reading!

Jokes To Offend Everyone

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do queers like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

HOME Girls

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared

in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:

"Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those

things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone

who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery

downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help

they can get.

9. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."

10. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is

Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

13. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

14. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

15. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want remembered.

16. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and

gracious hostility.

17. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

18. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may

be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

19. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

20. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies

are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

21. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would

lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

22. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use

the back door.

23. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church

basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

24. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks,
so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr.
Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three
kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the
first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've
got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied,
"You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

The Bureaucrat was walking along a country road when
he spotted a shepherd with a flock of sheep. He called
out to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep
you have, may I have one?"
The shepherd, figuring that there was no way a
city-slicker could guess how many sheep he had, said
"Yes".
The Bureaucrat said "You have 243 sheep".
"That's exactly right", the shepherd said with surprise,
"I guess you can pick out your sheep".
The Bureaucrat picked out his sheep and slung it over
his shoulder.

The shepherd looked at the Bureaucrat and said "If I
can guess what you do for a living, can I have my sheep
back?"
The Bureaucrat, thinking that no-one could guess his
occupation said "Yes".
"Good", said the shepherd, "You're a bureaucrat".
"Wow, how did you know that?" asked the Bureaucrat.
The shepherd said "Put down my dog and we'll talk".

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife
the sheerest lingerie he can find.
"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"Sheerer than that."
"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!" he replies.
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is
so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm
wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he
won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing
at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how
do you like it?" she asks.
He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500
they'd iron the thing."

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the
housewife told a neighbour.
"You didn't do it, did you?" the neighbour asked
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I
might add. - What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband
the rent is paid up for six months!"

A salesman is visiting Hollywood California and checks into a local
motel.
As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he
looked a bit frazzled. He asked "Sir was everything O.K. with your room?" He
angrily replies "Was everything O.K.!!! l get woke up at 2:00 in the morning
with this huge cowboy sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head who
tells me if l don't suck his dick he's gonna blow my fucking head off!"
The desk clerk is shocked and asks, "What did you do?"
The salesman’s reply, "Did you hear any shootin'?"

HOME Girls

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very
horny. (So, how is this different than any other time in a man's
life? -- Ray) Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch,
his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around
here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a
nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it,
and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police
car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

Three surgeons at a conference, one from America, one from Russia
and one from Manchester.
The American "I did a heart transplant last week and saved the
life of a multi-millionaire." "That's nothing", says the Russian,
"I did a full heart and lung transplant and saved the life of a
new multi-billionaire". The Manchester surgeon pipes up "Well,
I did a new procedure last weekend. Transplanted a pair of tits
onto a man's back". The Russian asks "Was he rich ?" To which
the Manchester doctor replies "Yes, if his arse holds up to the action"

Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude
named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the
daddy" Pedro figuring he doesn’t have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To
which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".

A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You
look like shit. Rough night, eh?"
He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew
chunks! "His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."
But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first meet. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table , the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, It was up in the field across the road , when I put you up against the fence. Why don’t we do it again for old time sake?
The wife giggled like crazy and said "sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and across the to the field.
The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep and eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw, while the husband thrashed his wife. With the vitality of a youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually , they stood up , shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back toward the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man," when we were young the fence wasn't ELECTRIC."

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test

and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!"

said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"

asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood

transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation."    said the doctor

“Your mother must have been a carrier!"

The Coldest Igloo
Three Eskimos in Alaska were at their local bar. They got to talking about how cold it was outside and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest. They decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" He poured a cup of water into the air. The water froze in midair and fell onto the floor.
"Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
They went to the second Eskimo's igloo and he said, "Watch this!" He took a big breath and exhaled whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
They ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said, "Watch this!" He went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT."
He won. ****

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first then you swear after me.
ok?"
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum. I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
Whack!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran
Upstairs, bawling his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?!!"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but it won't be f*ckin' Coco Pops!!"

HOME Girls